I come from a time that I did not think I was worth anything, well not to myself. I tended to think and act like I didn't belong, that I was an outsider no matter what circles I tread. I was a loner and I liked it.

I lied, no I didn't.

I hated it but couldn't stop the trend of beating myself up because I deserved it, or so I thought. I thought I was less than another and acted that way. In time, others joined me and we were all miserable together and I thought I found my family. I was one anger bundle, I tell you and I blamed everything on how I was. I blamed everything for my actions and thoughts. Of course, I had plenty to blame : my parents, Klinefelter's, my friends, my job, the car I drove, the cops, the thing that fell down and scared the crap out of me, the heat, the cold and on and on it went. My biological family was a joke, to say the least. They taught me to beat myself up, to constantly feel guilty that I had no direction and that I was relegated to their bidding because after all, they knew best. I was worthless...or was I ?

After a time I thought that my trend was going nowhere and I had to get myself out of this mess. The task seemed daunting because after all, how was I going to undo all I did ?

That was the wrong thinking, I was not to undo, I was to change my thought pattern and relearn to control my emotions which were failing me. I sought help and I got it. Anger management was interesting because I was the only one in the session that wasn't court ordered to do it. I realised that my addictions had fed my negative being and did not fill the empty space that kept me up at night. Those who loved me, they couldn't fill the need for change because I had to do it myself, change me because I WAS WORTH IT.

That was the first step, later others followed, like taking responsibility for my own actions. No one chose my friends for me, no one forced the multitudes of beer down my throat and no one blamed me for things that were of any importance. I needed to change my own actions, to choose be how I felt I wanted to be. We are who we want to be by telling ourselves who we are and how we choose to live our lives regardless of our challenges.

I had to realise that I was unique as everyone around me is. Don't believe me ? Look at your fingerprints, who else has yours ? Even twins do not have the same ones. Your blood is unique, it has your imprint and science can now tell who is whom by it. Our experiences, our thoughts and our self image of ourselves is unique. We are one of a kind.

I decided to become positive and let the rest lie where they may. That was the best decision I have ever made. In order to think and feel positive, I needed to emotionally feed myself positively. Throw out the negative and self defeating words, thoughts and actions. "I should have" became "next time I will", "I am so stupid" became "Geez, Andre, you could improve upon that thing". I stopped sneering at myself in the mirror, instead I laughed and practiced laughing, smiling and pepping myself up to face whatever situation was causing me anxiousness. I told anyone around me that they were to treat me with dignity and respect or else I will walk out or away...and did it. Whomever called be back wanted to try, whomever didn't I forgot about.

In essence, I created my own positive self esteem because no one could do it for me no matter how much they encouraged me. I needed to heal by putting positive emotions in place. Klinefelter's was only a small hiccup, a part of my uniqueness and something to be proud of like a badge or a trophy.

I wrote:

I realised that my addictions had fed my negative being and did not fill the empty space.....

I don't feel that way anymore. I hope you don't either.

Andre