Recently I met a person of whom I wanted to help. I can’t do it and it bothers me. I seriously questioned myself as to exactly what the heck am I doing, who the heck do I think I am, the saviour of all mankind ? Do I think so highly of myself that I think I can help everyone ?

I thought about that and the conclusion I came up with is what I said earlier. I can only help to guide people that want to be guided and I need to know my limitations. This was a brick wall and I still tried to get to the bottom of things but this person did not allow me to get there, which is their right. I mean, really, I am not a psychologist just an observer of people and with some knowledge as to myself and what I did. So I go on experience, having been the angry person that I was to not so angry and trying to be positive in my outlook and personality. It helps that I have come to know some people in a worse situation than myself and we still managed to see eye to eye on certain matters.

Still, once negativity does creep in, I have no choice but to deal with it as well as I can. This person is just angry to the core and he needs a lot more than I can ever give him : he has to want to be helped.

My way is not the Alpha and the Omega,, I’m just bumbling my way through life. Still, I have to know my limitations and I hit that wall just now with this person. I didn’t keep the lines of communication open as I normally would because this person’s kind of anger is poison and I am susceptible to that. I can come up with all kinds of theories as to why he is the way he is but it’s only empty speculations. It’s humbling to see that there are others who I just don’t have the capacity to deal with.

I hit that wall already once in my life with a person of whom I met through an organisation that stemmed from a local radio station, I knew the organiser personally and helped her to get people in touch with another through letter writing. I was sent to a person who was quite lonely and I was warned that she was quite ugly and to be prepared for it.

I thought to myself that everyone has something that is beautiful about them so I eagerly took on the task of delivering stamped envelopes to her thinking that I would come back with a good report of her qualities contrary to popular belief. I really wanted the best for her without even having met her.

I saw her and I was stuck for words. I dare say there were no redeeming qualities about her. I tried hard to find it, slowly taking inventory of what can be seen as a redeeming quality…there was nothing. I tried to look at her personality in general, her looks, her eyes, her characteristics, her talents, the clothes, her smell, her apartment, her manner of speaking…. I got desperate as I found nothing. Hideous cannot describe that person and it was all natural.

I came back to the organiser and I must have looked like a deer caught in the headlights. I remember feeling shocked and it resided with me for weeks. I tried in vain to find something that made that person desirable and I couldn’t. Yet, I must believe that someone would see her in a different light, I just wasn’t that person. Even now I think back and I can’t see anything that wasn’t there, time did not heal that wound I caused myself because I came into the meeting with expectations. I skewed my own outlook.

I feel the same with this person of whom I started this post with, a humbling experience I must say. I don’t know him all too well and I would like to think that he has some redeeming characteristic to someone…it just isn’t me.

It’s unfortunate that I will always remember him this way no matter how he does, I just hope I didn’t make things worse. That’s a guilt I would have to live with.